Hot tuna

Co-workers who bring in tuna casserole for lunch, heat it in the microwave until it burns, and then walk around the office with their bowl of hot tuna surprise such that the noxious fumes waft through the air and permeate every surface of my space are not my friends. Keep your tuna at home, people!

In other noteworthy news from my day:
* One of my friends here is so hungover today that she nearly vomited in her trashcan. Classy, huh? Happens to the best of us.
* I overheard someone say "flustrated."
* Our temporary receptionist, who has been filling in for the past week or so, learned this morning that associates are, in fact, attorneys.
* This afternoon, I have to do some medical research related to common bacteria found in human sputum.

A day in the life...

Title for Charles

smart dirty whore

Kelly linked to Overheard in New York a week or so ago, but I had to give this site another shout after seeing the Wednesday one-liners. These crack me up!

Also, check out Overheard in the Office.

Living well and beautifully and justly are all one thing - Socrates

I returned from my hometown yesterday afternoon after another quiet Christmas at my parents' place. This year was bittersweet. My grandfather, who has been in the hospital for over two months now fighting an eminent death, could not be with us at home. He doesn't talk much these days, but each time I see him, he asks, "How's my attorney? When will you get your Supreme Court nomination?" I told him some time ago that our dreams of my U.S. Supreme Court nomination were shot when I realized I couldn't get the closet door closed around all of my skeletons. So now he just aspires to his granddaughter becoming a judge, preferably an Indiana Supreme Court justice. I used to tell him I simply don't have the brilliant legal mind for such a position (nor the desire, and you know, the skeletons don't bode well for an Indiana Supreme, either), but he rolled his eyes and waved me off. These days, I just tell him that I'm working on it. I want him to leave this earth proud of the the person I have become, and hopeful for the person I might be someday. He always believed that I could be more than I dared to imagine. My grandfather is the modern day Atticus Finch - full of justice and courage and all that is right in the world.

I am going to miss him and his never-ending, infalliable faith in me. I hope I can continue to dream big once he's not here to cheer me on.

I haven't a clue...

The following poem was sent to me this morning by Chuck, with the caption, "Why does this poem remind me of you?"

Lana Turner has collapsed!
I was trotting along and suddenly
it started raining and snowing
and you said it was hailing
but hailing hits you on the head
hard so it was really snowing and
raining and I was in such a hurry
to meet you but the traffic
was acting exactly like the sky
and suddenly I see a headline
LANA TURNER HAS COLLAPSED!
there is no snow in Hollywood
there is no rain in California
I have been to lots of parties
and acted perfectly disgraceful
but I never actually collapsed
oh Lana Turner we love you get up
By Frank O'Hara

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.- Dr. Seuss

WISHING EVERYONE THE MERRIEST CHRISTMAS, HAPPIEST HANNUKAH, AND MOST JOYFUL HOLIDAY SEASON!

Confessional

I had one of those dreams last night about my boss.

Yes, kids. One of those dreams.

It's official

Today completely sucks.

More heartbreaking news

Indianapolis Colts head coach Tony Dungy's 18-year-old son was found dead this morning in his Tampa, Florida apartment.

All dogs go to heaven

Kelly P. had to put her beloved Brittany spaniel, Lucy, to sleep yesterday. Lucy was just the sweetest dog, and my heart just breaks for Kelly. Please keep Kel and her husband in your thoughts and prayers today.

I met her in a hotel lobby...

I started off the day to Prince's Purple Rain, but now I've moved onto Puccini's Madame Butterfly. I removed Purple Rain after one of the more conservative partners stopped in my office during "Darling Nikki" and I had to scramble to turn it down before he heard what a major sex fiend Nikki was. So now we've got tragic opera, which is more appropriate in part because no one knows if they are singing about grinding sex or not.
___________________________________________________

My friend, Robert, is taking a final exam today on Middle Eastern politics. I sent him a text message this morning wishing him good luck. My words of wisdom were, "Don't confuse the Gaza Strip with the last gentleman's club you visited."
____________________________________________________

I have two tins of butter cookies, a box of truffles, and a bag of candies on my desk right now. Additionally, the office breakroom is piled high with an assortment of holiday treats, including 3 boxes of cookies and a couple of fruit baskets, mostly from corporate clients. The season of snacking gluttony has to stop. I absolutely appreciate the gestures of kindness and appreciation, but I suggested this morning that we take some of what we have been given across the street to the Wheeler Mission for people who haven't snacked their way through 3 cheeseballs already this week.
____________________________________________________

And finally, my door is closed because I really don't want to help anyone write a brief that is due to be filed by Friday. I'm all for the team effort, but the person trying to find assistance with the research always waits until the very last minute, and I've bailed him out before. 'Tis the season for me to get my own work done by Friday.

O Christmas Tree

Call me kinky if you must...

The elevators from the parking garage to the office building got a facelift over the weekend from drab white scuffed walls to a more glamorous black marble tile.

I think it looks sexy.

You may be right, I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you're lookin' for.

I got up around 4:30am to let the dog out. I scooped up some tissues, and empty water bottle, and a half-eaten bag of popcorn off my nightstand, and tossed it all into the kitchen trash. Apparently, I scooped up my cell phone as well. As I was getting ready to leave this morning, I couldn't find the damn thing. I looked everywhere - under the sofa, behind the bed, in my car. No cell phone. Just as I was about to give up, the kitchen trash started singing Billy Joel, which was much more entertaining than if the trash can had just started ringing.

This whole episode reminded me of Kelly, who has an uncanny knack for losing and/or dropping her cell phone in the most unusual of places.

Put this in your pipe and smoke it

A University of Massachusetts professor says the medical marijuana grown by the federal government isn't very good. He wants a permit to cultivate his own pot, saying it will be better for research.

Lyle Craker, a horticulturist who heads the school's medicinal plant program, is challenging the government's 36-year-old monopoly on research marijuana. Craker's suit claims government-grown marijuana lacks the potency medical researchers need to make important breakthroughs.

Read the rest of the article here. My favorite quote: DEA attorneys defended the government's marijuana, contending its Mississippi growing center provides adequate quality and quantity for legitimate researchers across the country.

The DEA is arguing that the government weed is not bunk. The irony here cracks me up.

Dayquil and a box of tissues

I woke up with a cold. I feel like crap.

I was dreamin' when I wrote this, so sue me if I go 2 fast

Yesterday, I argued my first oral argument on a motion for summary judgment in the morning, and I can tell you it was nothing like Moot Court. To say there was an "argument" would be an overstatement. In the afternoon, I defended depositions on my own for the first time. While I was "prepared" for both, I actually just pretended to know what I was doing. As far as I can tell, I didn't screw anything up beyond repair, and most of my objections were appropriate and warranted. Someone at the firm might have an issue with my on-the-record comments about my opposing counsel's hideous tie. His attitude was even worse, but I'd already objected to that.

I can't believe they license us and let us out in the legal world to wreak the havoc that we do. Really...
___________________________________________________

Several of the people at my firm are currently participating in the "Secret Santa"game. I opted out this year because I didn't feel like walking the Wal-mart aisles looking for $5 gifts. My good friend, T, threw her name into the hat. So she comes into my office the other day and says, "Apparently my Secret Santa does not know that I am Jewish. She got me a Christmas tree ornament." I said, "T, you're playing Secret Santa and you're Jewish. Shut up about the ornament."
______________________________________________________

I was late to work this morning because I couldn't find the shoes I planned on wearing. I had to change my entire outfit because I could only find one shoe in the closet. When I got home today, I found the other shoe outside on the patio next to one of Milo's dog bones. This has got to stop.
________________________________________________________

I opened a can of worms this week, and as a result, I am meeting up tomorrow afternoon with a guy I dated in my early twenties. I haven't seen him since 1999. He used to make me laugh like no one else could. Should be interesting.

Marriage is a concept invented by people who were lucky to make it to 20 without being eaten by dinosaurs. Marriage is obsolete.

Okay, so maybe I have some issues.

So what?


* From Kevin to Alec, St. Elmo's Fire

The ASPCA never takes a holiday from saving animals.

Every single day, the ASPCA takes significant steps to ensure that abused, abandoned, lost and lonely animals receive the care they desperately deserve. The ASPCA's ability to rescue, heal and protect innocent animals is directly linked to the donations of people who believe in their cause. Please consider a making a year-end tax-deductible gift in support of the ASPCA and their life-saving programs.

Love, cowboys, Jake Gyllenhaal

I can't wait to see Brokeback Mountain. And if you're a folk/bluegrass/country music fan, the soundtrack features a stellar lineup of artists including Willie Nelson, Rufus Wainwright, Steve Earle, Emmylou Harris, and Linda Ronstadt.

Sell crazy someplace else. We're all stocked up here.

Seen and heard on the way home this evening:

Heard - "Peace Train" by Cat Stevens, one of my all-time favorite tunes.

Seen - A 1970's-era hoopty Caddy with "Ho Detective" air-brushed across the back end.

Heard - A news clip regarding the impending execution of Stanley "Tookie" Williams set to take place tonight in California. A journalist reporting from the prison stated that when Mr. Williams received the news that Governor Schwarzenegger had not granted clemency, he "looked serious but did not appear to be depressed." You've got to be kidding me.

Seen - A great big man with slicked back hair, smoking a great big cigar, drinking a can of beer and driving a great big Lexus, nodded at me while we were sitting at a stoplight. I was kind of staring at him, thinking that he looked like he just walked out of the BadaBing Club.

I love all things that sparkle

I just got flowers at work, and they are fabulous. Not only did I get roses, but I got roses with glitter.

I don't think you can top roses with glitter.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

I've noticed recently that people are shooting through red lights more often. For instance, when my light turns green and yet cars continue to turn in front of me as if the left turn signal didn't turn red five cars ahead of them, it completely irritates me. Even worse are the people who proceed into the intersection on a green light knowing that they are going to sit in traffic and completely block the intersection.

I may drive like a maniac, but I don't do this. It's annoying.

So much to blog about, so little time...

The past few days have been absolutely nuts. Last Thursday, I told Kelly that I didn't think the four to seven inches of snow headed our way was anything to get all excited about. Yeah, I was wrong. That seven plus inches we received here in Indy ended up being a royal pain. I took Friday off work to run errands, but did not accomplish all I set out to do. After having a hair crisis and a near meltdown at some new janky salon I decided to try (my regular salon is out of commission due to a horrific fire last week) and some not-so-nice words with the idiots at the BMV (registering my new car cost three times what I expected), I just wasn't up for battling the crowds at the mall in order to get started (yes, started) on my holiday shopping. I've got some serious catching up to do this week!

Luckily, the weekend ended on a high note. I took in the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra's Yuletide Celebration yesterday afternoon with my family. It was an amazing production - the music was phenomenal, the dancing was excellent (the tap-dancing Santas were adorable), the costumes were fabulous, and Sandy Patty did an wonderful job as host, including a moving duet with her husband. If you're in the neighborhood and you can get tickets, this show is absolutely worth seeing!

When you find yourself in deep trouble, say nothing and try to look like you know what you're doing...

Thirteen is the magic number

When I was a kid, my mom wouldn't let us go outside and play unless the temperature was "in the teens." I used to call the "Time & Temperature" lady and then wait all morning for the temp to pass 12 degrees so we could go outside and do whatever it was that we did back then.

I wish I still had some shred of desire to go outside and play when the temperature hit the teens, but I do not. Not even a shred. I just wrapped a blanket around my head to walk the dog, and I bribed him with a bone to hurry it up.

Unless you are 8 years old and have a puffy blue snowsuit and a mother to mummy-wrap you in a hand-knit 10-foot scarf, cold weather is not much fun.

You want to know something funny? You actually made me think about the law. I managed to go through three years of law school without doing that.

Sorry to leave y'all hanging about my deposition drama.

In a nutshell, I spent six hours of my Monday sitting through the most awful depos. Not only was I sick to my stomach (I did not puke anywhere), but I was discouraged by how things were going for our clients (I was defending). By the fifth hour, I was trying to cheer myself up by playing, "How could this depo possibly get any worse?" And yes, puking on the equipment would have been worse. But clients changing their story, stuttering, or going batshit crazy and jumping from the windows probably would not have made these depositions any worse, believe me.

Of course, leave it to me to stick my foot in my mouth. At the holiday party last Friday, I told the managing partner on the case (who whole-heartedly believes in trial by fire) that I thought our clients had a decent case and a sympathetic story, and I would try the case in front of a jury in a heartbeat. There's a question of liability, but I was convinced that we could make our case. This, of course, was before the depositions of our clients. Needless to say, I had to eat that bravado on Monday afternoon. But by today, I've got myself convinced that I can undo the damage of the depositions should I have to try the case, which is now more likely than not thanks to well-prepared defense counsel and my big mouth.

I have so much to learn...

* quote from "The Firm"

Deposition Trivia

What's the worst thing that can happen during a deposition?

"Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Chris..kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah." Clark Griswold

My firm's holiday party is today at Jillians. It starts at 11:00am. ELEVEN A.M., folks! As I type this, there are Mimosas being served in the breakroom. I'm not even done with my morning latte! The party lasts all day, usually wrapping up around 7:00pm with the die-hard party people moving on to some other bar to get their schwerve on. Yeah, this firm does not do the traditional black-tie, sit-down stuffy holiday dinner party where the partners make year-end speeches and hand out gift cards for a honey ham. We drink beer and eat great food and play foozball and make fun of each other and haze the new people by making them give the speeches. I love it.

Secret, secret... I got a secret

Not much to say today. This week has been busy with little free time for blogging anyway. So for your Thursday entertainment, I thought I'd divulge a few things about myself that most people don't know:

1. I have synesthesia. I see all words, letters and numbers in color. I also read music in color, and I hear music in color. I associate all names, places, phrases, and mathmatical or scientific calculations in color. My version of the condition is mostly visual and slightly auditory, and always relates to colors. The condition is genetic - my grandmother, mother and aunts have varying degrees of synesthesia, but my sister does not. I thought everyone saw and heard the world the same way I do until I was in high school.

2. I celebrated passing the bar by getting a dainty tattoo. I love it.

3. I used to be a bartender, and I know how to do a few bar tricks. I can tie a maraschino cherry stem in a knot with my tongue, I can draw letters in the head of a Guinness when I'm pulling it off tap, and I can make a multitude of flaming beverages. I used to work at a sports bar with little management supervision. When the Colts scored touchdowns during football season, the bartenders would pour 151 into the well running along the side of the bar and light it on fire. Clearly, we did not understand the concepts of safety or liability.

4. I was not a pretty baby.

5. I failed Calculus.

6. I am afraid of swimming in lakes and ponds, and I won't swim in the ocean over my head unless I have on snorkel gear. I'm terrified of what I can't see, which means I'm still afraid of the dark.

7. I know how to filet a fish and do a perfect shoe shine from sitting across the kitchen table from my father when I was growing up.

8. I've dislocated the same knee twice - once from dancing and once from skiing.

9. I believe in the power of prayer. I also believe that what goes around, comes around.

10. I once let an artist boyfriend do a plaster mold of my bust for a senior art project in college. My friend, his roommate (also an artist) and I went to the art building late at night, and they carefully wrapped my tank-top clad torso in plaster from my neck to my waist, not including my arms. The mold was hot as hell and itched like crazy, and there was some major nudity involved when they cut the mold off. But the bust turned out pretty well and my friend got an A on the art project. And for the rest of the year, the school's art gallery proudly displayed a plaster replica of my breasts.